Maybe it's the rain. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's both... but probably neither.
I've been so contemplative as of late. Nothings really happening, but so much is moving. My heart is making adjustments. Growing pains, if you will.
In my quest to become bigger, stronger, harder, and faster... I've become smaller, weaker, softer, and slower. I'm being broken, broken like a vessel.
I like to think of bones. Bones become weak and brittle when they aren't succumbed to impact. Pounding the pavement creates impact on bones, impact that cause them to become stronger. The rough treatment cause the bones to have microscopic breaks that have to be repaired and when they're repaired, they build up even stronger than before. My confidence is a brittle bone right now. It needs some pounding.
I know personally, as an artist in multiple media's, I have people constantly telling me how great my stuff is. Yeah, its nice to hear that, but it's never taken to heart. I know that I have talent, but what does the average person know? I want someone that's insanely talented to tell me they like my stuff. Maybe it's the acceptance from peers that I seek. That's human nature. I don't need my ego stroked, a pat on the back or even lukewarm encouragement. I need validation. It's not something that someone can just hand me. I want to be greeted with open arms into my very own art community. I want to be one of the big guns. I want to earn this.
The human spirit is a resilient thing. So easily broken, so easily built, but not so easily understood. I don't know why I feel the need to prove myself. I don't know why I can feel on top of the world one minute and down in a gutter the next. I don't know why I can't quit worrying about what the Jone's are doing and just mind my own business. Why is it that it's so easy to love but so hard to be loved? Why do we crave intimacy but continually withdraw to ourselves? There are things in this life that I will never understand.
There's always a perpetual excuse. There's always something standing in the way. There's always something that I find to stop me from getting on the other side of this river. I don't want to stay here forever. It's so easy to dream. I don't want to look back one day, like I'm doing now. I don't want to become a pillar of salt. Regret is such a dirty word that we have so much control over. Regrets are like accidents... they're completely preventable. What am I doing to prevent my regret....
